And This is Precisely My Point

To comment on my wonderful husband's blog, yes, men & women are different, and we get very different things from what we read.

The Fifty Shades series has certainly gotten the continent talking.  With plenty of "romance" novels and erotic books, why has this series made it into the hands of so many women (and men, although they are talked about less)?  Most of the discussion centers around the large amount of sex in the books and that the sex goes past "vanilla."  I am a huge fan of romance novels.  I even have some where the character and relationship development have touched me so much that I keep them, and read them over and over, whenever I need a pick me up.  I go through many when Sean is away.  Most I can read in a day or two.  This is not fine literature, but if the writing is good, the story will touch you.  I am unlikely to reread Shades of Grey.

Yes, there is a lot of sex in the text.  But as I posted previously, the books are not wonderfully written.  The author shows promise.  Her development of the main characters has been good.  Although, even there, readers know much more about the character of Christian Grey than Anastasia Steele, his significant other.   Unfortunately, the peripheral characters barely see any development.  They are background, window dressing on her story.  Nevertheless, E.L. James has created a good story.  The story itself is a good one, beyond the sex.  It is a story of Grey, a damaged and abused individual caught in his past, barely coping, and how he moves beyond his past to be free of it.  Even while recognizing the flaws in the writing, you care about the character of Grey, and want to know what happens next.  James does not do the expected, and there are bursts of very promising creative writing.

Really the story is not the books, but the wildfire, public spread into the hands of so many.  Why this book?  Why now?  Better and more well-known writers have written erotica.  Anne Rice, of the original vampire craze, wrote a series.  Why E.L. James and not Anne Rice?

At first I thought it might have been the timing.  When the are barely dressed models selling sex cars, food, and even cleaning supplies, the shock factor slips away.  Still, Fifty Shades is often downloaded because people do not want others to see them holding the book.  We clearly are still embarrassed on some level.  There have been periods of time when erotica, and even porn, was mainstream.  Crowds publicly flocked to see Caligula and Deep Throat.  Lady Chatterley's Lover and The Story of O have had their day in the sun.  There were obscenity trials, but that just made more people want to read them.    And that is the key to the Grey series- PUBLICITY!

In sales the key is often location, location, location.  Location provides you with traffic and noticeably.  In the publishing world location is all about publicity.  Where can you publicize?  How do you publicize?  Shades of Grey won the world series of publicity.  t became a news story.  Whether intentionally or not, like the news of obscenity trials spurred sales of Lady Chatterley, and feminist critism the sales of "O", the news that... oh my God! SOCCER MOMS ARE READING ABOUT SEX... spurred others to buy the book, which in turn created more news, which created more sales.  Brilliant.

By the way, soccer moms, and other types of moms, know about sex.  We have children.  And... there's a good chance not all the sex was, as Grey puts it, vanilla.

Raising Children- A Work in Progress

A friend once said raising kids is like flying an airplane while trying to build it.  This is as apt a description as any I can create.  During the past month Sean was away for 3 weeks.  Before Sean left I told Jesse we needed to go through his clothes to ensure he had everything he needed for camp.
  Week #1- Jesse had exams- Of course this meant he had no time to go through his clothes, or listen, or not be obnoxious, etc.
   Week #2- Last 2 exams, now of course he needs time to recuperate.
   Week #3- Trying to make up to his mom- he's actually helpful, but I suspect it's because he doesn't want to take the bus.  "Maybe if I'm good to the chauffeur (read Mom), she'll drive me."  He still hasn't cleaned his room or started packing for camp.

Fast forward- The day before Jesse's luggage was set to leave for camp, he finally realizes he doesn't have enough underwear or swim shirts.  Underwear was easy, swim shirts not so much.  A lesson is relearned- "Failure to plan on your pert does not constitute an emergency on mine."

Two weeks of camp have passed.  A letter has finally arrived.  He's having a great summer.  I didn't doubt it.  If things were lousy, he would have written.  He needs a care package: nail clippers, a puzzle book, the swim shirts I didn't have time to buy, and a book that's heavier than his duffel bag.  I see if I can find the swim shirts.  The book he ain't getting, and the other things... well, good things come to those who wait.

Outing My Husband & 50 Shades

If you follow Sean's blog (http://www.seabeechaplain.blogspot.ca/), you already know he's reading the 50 Shades series.  What you may not know- weeks before he blogged about it, I outed him to the Toronto Jewish community.

While Sean was at his 3 weeks of ADT (not the alarm company, but a type of US Naval Reserve duty), he purchased and began reading "50 Shades of Grey."  I, of course, knew since we talk more at night when he's away than when he's home (at home we rarely get a moment alone to talk until we are collapsing in bed. Sean has an amazing knack for falling asleep mid-sentence.).  Each night we'd try to skype, not always the best for me, but then again, he is the man I love, and I even like him.

Fast forward to his last week of ADT.  Back at home, the kids were finishing school.  Each year one of Keren's classmates has very generously invited the grade to her grandparent's home for a pool party. (Really it's the grandparents who are generous, but this is a family that is wonderful in all generations!)  In past years I have been working full-time.  Keren has gone to the party with friends, and I have arrived for the last 10-15 minutes to pick her up.  This year I am working part-time, plus my hours begin early so I can be with the kids in the afternoon.  I had the lovely benefit of being able to spend my late afternoon pool-side talking to other moms.  The hot topic of the day was (can you guess?) the latest trend- mommy-porn, aka "50 Shades of Grey."  As talk turned to the book, I blurted out, "Oh, Sean just bought that.  He's reading it while he's away."  Reactions were "Really?"  There was some laughter and a general state of impressed-ness (no, that's not a word, but it should be.).  Kudos to Sean for seeing a new trend racing through the community and instead of just wondering about it, checked it out.

Second story- a week later, when Sean was home, I ran to the Superstore late one evening to get the shopping done.  Wandering the aisles, I noticed they had "50 Shades Darker".  I bought it for Sean with the intent to stick it in his suitcase for him to read on his next AT (another type of Naval Reserve duty).  While in the store, I bumped into a young couple.  They are engaged, and come to our shul.  It was her first time in a Superstore.  I said, "It's great. (gesturing to my cart) I have vitamins, sunscreen, books, and broccoli.  What more could I ask for?!"  What I did not realize until I arrived at the check out was the spine of "50 Shades Darker" was sticking up.  Here I was with the latest mommy porn, and I'm showing it off to potential congregants.  Well, everyone wants their rabbi to be in touch with the latest news and trends- don't they?

But really, Sean was asking me (and later in his blog) what's the popularity of these books.  They're okay, not really well written.  There's a lot of repeated words.  You can tell the author is a TV producer as the character development totally focuses on the main couple only.  In books we usually get varying sorts of development in all the characters, but in "50 Shades" we know nothing of Ana's best friend and roommate, or Christian's siblings, even though they seem important.  What we do have is a great romance (over the top and beyond what most of us would want, but great nonetheless).  Ana & Christian are devoted to each other.  Some theorize that the popularity comes from the idea that what seems at first as dominance is really serving Ana.  Others think it's just the abundance of sex.   Personally, I don't think it's the sex.  Yes, there is sex in the book, a lot of sex, but most of it no different than many so-called bodice rippers.  More- yes, but different- not so much.  It's a formula that works. This one just has much better pr, which may also come from it being written by a producer who would know how to promote.

One more story- I didn't put the book in Sean's suitcase because I wanted to share the second story with him.  (I'd already shared the first.)  He began to read the book, and so did I.  While the writing is adequate, you really do want to know what's going to happen to Christian & Ana, and you wonder how Christian got to be who & where he is.  I was finishing it up on Sunday, sitting in our den. In the story there was a description of a lunch. (Food is important in the book.  Unfortunately we know more about the food they eat than the people to whom they are closest.)  As I get to this description (it's actually a salad dressing), Sean walks by the den just as I say, "yum."  All this sex, and my verbal outburst comes from the salad dressing.  We laughed about it in the moment, but it got me to thinking.

Okay, yes there's a lot of sex in the book, and, while I believe E.L. James could have cut much of it out, without the sex the book probably wouldn't have sold as well.  It's not great writing.  The gift was in the promotion- "Wow, a book full of sex- beyond the mainstream sex- being marketed to moms (normal women)."  When these moms heard this, some went to buy the book.  Newsflash- moms are buying this book- it's mommy porn. Now the self-fulfilling prophecy is realized.  The more the news talks about this books, the more women wonder & buy it to see what everyone else seems to be reading.  With more buyers, there's more news, not to mention the promotion.  It was a wonderful marketing concept.

For Sean, there's wonder- why are so many women reading this book?  What questions should the popularity of this trilogy make us ask about our relationships?  He wonders if people are bored and looking for more (although maybe not this much more). Sean questions whether couples need to communicate more about their physical needs, not just about the shopping list or the carpool.  He may be onto something.  For me, happy, satisfied, and fulfilled in my relationship, "50 Shades of Grey" is just another romance novel, one I will likely not reread. (BTW, I do like romance novels.  I have a couple of favourite authors, and I do reread them over and over and over again.)  What I really liked was a new idea for the salad dressing.  We're always looking for new recipes.

Self Care

Sean recently posted about self care.  Chaplains are bad at it, so are other clergy, doctors, and most of those involved in the so-called "helping" professions.  

One of the pluses of being a rabbi couple is that while we are not so good at taking care of ourselves, we are very good at taking care of each other.  Most of the time it works.  I frequently remind Sean that he is supposed to work two parts of any day, meaning morning and afternoon, afternoon and evening, or morning and evening.  It's a lesson stressed in the last year of rabbinical school.  Sean doesn't always pay attention, but it's a niggling thought in the back of his mind.

Sean reminds me that I am supposed to work 21 hours a week.  I sort of listen.  It keeps me from working too many more.  I am also the last person in the world not to have a smartphone.  My phone doesn't know how to check email.  I like it that way.  It too helps me keep my part-time job part time.

Unfortunately, when Sean is away my self care reminder leaves.  Even worse, he turns into a catch-22.  We often skype in the evening.  Talking to Sean regularly helps me digest my day, relax, and lower my blood pressure, usually, but being tied to the computer trying to condense a full day's worth of talk into a short time simply stretches the evening well past its expiration time.  Single parenting also has its ups and downs.  Our schedule is based on two parents.  It takes about two weeks to create a new schedule. That's how long Sean's usually gone.  He returns and it starts all over again.

Still, I'm working on it.  I kick-box twice a week.  We got a treadmill.  We actually use the treadmill for its intended purpose.  We do not hang laundry on it.  I watch lots of silly movies and some not so silly. I read and read and read (another catch-22- I often get so involved in the book I forget to sleep).  It's a work in progress.

Currently, my work in progress means I need to log off and go to sleep.  It's midnight.  Pleasant dreams.

Emotionally Exhausted and Morally Bankrupt

M*A*S*H was an amazing tv show on from 1972-1983.  Although it's been gone for 29 years (it still lives in reruns), so much of it still rings true for those of us who remember it fondly.

A favorite episode of Sean's & mine is from Season 4, called "Der Tag".  Colonel Potter asks Hawkeye & BJ to be nice to Frank.  They get him drunk and passes out.  As a joke, they put a toe tag on him and write on it "emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt".  The joke backfires.  Frank goes to the Latrine and falls into an ambulance (passing out again) and ends up at the front!  Hawkeye and BJ have to confess what they have done, and retrieve the still sleeping Frank from the front lines.

When the day (or days) has been so long that it feels like a year, one of us will say, "I am emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt."  It's less that we have lost our morality and more that we've been brought so low by the day's (week's/month's) events that our emotions can take no more and our moral compass is spinning so quickly we cannot tell which way is north.  It's that moment when the world goes sideways.

The amazing thing about the line, like so many other movie/tv lines or cliches, is the comfort it can bring.  It can carry with it positive baggage, memories of a beloved show or event.  It brings a smile when you thought there was no smile left.