What I Fasted For on Tisha B'Av

Tisha B'Av is always a difficult day in North America. It's hot. It's long. It has become associated with tragedies far beyond the destruction of two Temples and the loss of our homeland. When I was in university, there was a trend to fast only half the day. Much like the midrash of Nachshon jumping into the sea before God split the waters, the modern State of Israel was the human start to bringing the messianic age. I still believe this, but my belief is tempered. While we enjoy a modern Jewish state, our unity as a people is regularly tested by the actions of those who claim to follow the letter of the law, but forget the spirit. 

Talmud Gittin tells the story of Kamza and Bar Kamza as a prelude to the destruction and exile.

A wealthy man was throwing a party. His servant was sent to invite his friend Kamza, but mistakenly invited his enemy, Bar Kamza. When this man sees Bar Kamza at his party, he orders Bar Kamza to leave. Three times, Bar Kamza tries to save face and make peace: offering to pay for his food, for half the party, and even for the entire party. The man, so caught up in his hatred, throws Bar Kamza out. 

Humiliated, Bar Kamza seeks revenge against the rabbis who were present, but did not stand up against his public embarrassment, informing the Roman authorities that the Jews are planning a revolt. Unsure whether to believe Bar Kamza, the Roman authority sends an animal to the Temple as a peace offering. Along the way, Bar Kamza wounds the animal in a way that disqualifies it as a Jewish sacrifice, but would still be acceptable under Roman law.

When the animal arrives, the Sanhedrin debates whether to still allow the sacrifice due to the precariousness of the situation. Some say the offering should be done to avoid war. Rabbi Zechariah be Avkolos says no lest it lead to people bringing blemished animals to the Temple. Others suggest Bar Kamza should be put to death to show his duplicity. Again Rabbi Zechariah be Avkolos argues that this is not acceptable because death is not the penalty for bringing a wounded animal for sacrifice.

Angered by the refusal of the sacrifice, the Romans lay siege to Jerusalem. Rabbi Yochanan says, the result of the punctiliousness of Rabbi Zechariah be Avkolos was the destruction of the Temple and exile from Israel.

Our tradition has always attributed this to senseless hatred. But it's only marginally the hatred of the man for Bar Kamza. Instead, the senseless hatred is actually loving the law more than the people. This is the senselessness. 

Our unity as a people is regularly threatened by those in the State of Israel who put their interpretation of the law before the unity of the Jewish people. We have never been a monolithic people when it comes to interpretation, but we have stood together through the good and the bad. Israel must be a place where all Jews can have a comfortable home free of intimidation and fear. Until that day, I will be fasting all day.

Amy Schumer, Body Image, and Yummy Mummys (Warning: link to explicit content)

Sometimes it takes me a few days (or more) to get down to writing. At work, or in the middle of Shabbat prep, I jot notes down to blog later. When we're traveling, I write draft titles to remind me later. And sometimes, ideas strike me on Shabbat, and I just have to hope I'll remember.

Friday, July 17, the National Post had an article focused on eating disorders in the News section. What was different about this article was the age group. Eating disorders are nothing new, though still terrifying to any parent. However, there was a marked increase in the 1970's and 80's. Now, the children who grew up at that time are entering middle age, and taking their eating disorders with them. As the article points out, men are told to "embrace their 'dad bod.'" Women don't have that luxury. Instead, we're told to strive to be a "yummy mummy."

The mortality rate for eating disorders is 10-20%, one of the deadliest mental illnesses. Even with that, eating disorders are sometimes seen as not real illnesses.

Now, everything I read here upset me. I had a friend in junior high who suffered from anorexia. We haven't been in touch in decades, but I still think of her from time to time. Keren and I talk frequently about body image and diet. She worries about a few friends who seem to talk a lot about their bodies in negative ways. There are many women in my family who are as wide as they are tall. Long ago I accepted that I would never be Twiggy. While I wouldn't mind losing some weight now, (mostly because I don't want my parents' health problems), I've always embraced my muscular build, even knowing I'd never fit in skinny jeans (not even as a 10 year old).

I rarely get to the Friday paper on Friday, and last week was no different. As I worked my way through the Friday/Saturday sections, I came to an article called, "The Amy Effect," about Amy Schumer. If you've been living under a rock, you may not know that Amy Schumer is a raunchily funny comedian, who is very attractive and not built like Twiggy. She stars in Trainwreck, a script she wrote. Most of the article focused on her rise as a comedian, but a few things struck me. Most specifically, a comment about her new movie. "In a post called 'Apatow's Funny-Chubby Community Has New Member,' film and TV critic Jeff Wells criticizes the director for casting the 'unattractive' Schumer. Much debate ensues over whether Wells is hot enough to be a critic."

I have a few questions. First, why is Judd Apatow's community called "Funny-Chubby?" Why isn't it enough to call them funny. Back in 2009, when Seth Rogen, part of Apatow's group, lost weight, critics questioned whether he'd be as funny if he wasn't fat. Did his weight effect his acting ability? More importantly, why is it that a woman has to be stick-like to be beautiful. I think Amy Schumer is lovely (Sean agrees. He's always preferred curves.)

Amy Schumer has curves. So did Marilyn Monroe. Amy Schumer also has a biting humour that's taking on accepted norms. (**warning**) One brilliant take is her video "Last F**kable Day," https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPpsI8mWKmg. Ms. Schumer happens upon Patricia Arquette, Tina Fey, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus having a picnic celebration for Ms. Louis-Dreyfus' last day of sexual desirability. (The video is filled with explicit language.) It's a point men never reach. This is clear if you google sexy female/male stars. The men's list is filled with men in their 40's, 50'3 and beyond. The women's list barely has anyone in their 30's. Female sex symbols of the past are constantly eclipsed by new, younger women, whereas, men just seem to get better and better. In the video, Ms. Louis-Dreyfus is very surprised she was able to be f**kable throughout her 40's and into her 50's. We're also reminded that Sally Field once played Tom Hanks love interest and then played his mom.

I have to ask, why, when women should be reaching their peaks in careers, settling into their lives, and being ultimately comfortable in their own skin, we need a new attack on women. When will the world actually realize (not just give lip-service to) the fact that real women have curves, and we're all the better for them!

Kallah Classes

I am working on a curriculum for a kallah class. For those who don't know what that is, a kallah is a bride. So these are bride classes, although much of it applies to grooms as well. Kallah classes are common in the Orthodox world, but almost unheard of outside of those circles. When Sean and I were married, not only were there no kallah classes in the Conservative Movement, many teachers would have been uncomfortable, at best, or unwilling, at worst, to have a female rabbinical student in the class. I made do with my own learning, but I wish I had explored it further. It's a lack I try to fill when I work with couples. I believe in the laws of taharat hamishpacha and mikveh as a beautiful and spiritual mitzvah that can have personal and couple benefits.

So what's in a kallah class? That's one of the things I'm trying to figure out. Primarily they were given to explain the laws behind the laws of niddah and taharat hamishpacha (family purity). Exceptional teachers would likely include the things your mother never told you, aka a bit of sex ed. For couples with little contact before, and no intimate contact, it was important to prepare them both for the wedding night and beyond. Turns out, that even for couples who are intimate, this can be important. In my search for information I discovered that today many kallah classes include more sex ed. Some include anatomy. After all, it's been a long time since high school biology, and understanding you body is important for anyone. Others speak of taharat hamishpacha as some sort of war against sin or temptation. And there's the full range in between. As with anything, there are wonderful and terrible classes out there. In many ways, choosing a teacher is like similar to finding your mate. Chemistry and a shared outlook on life is important.

Kallah classes are meant to be more than premarital classes. This you can get through Jewish Family & Child. So why a kallah class? I think that one on one instruction or single gender instruction is different than working with couples. There's a different intimacy and comfort level. A good kallah teacher will build a relationship the bride can use in the future, providing a safe space to ask questions without judgement and with no one else to hear.

In doing my research, speaking both with kallah teachers and with married women, I ask these questions-

• What do you wish you had known then (at the time of your wedding) that you know now?
• What was the best part of your kallah class?
• What was the worst part of your kallah class?
• What surprised you?

So now, I put this out to you, my readers, not just the brides, not just the married folks, but all of you.

• If married, what do you wish you had known then that you know now?
• What was the hardest thing to learn?
• What surprised you?
• What advice would you give to someone getting married?
• What was the worst advice you received?
• What was the best advice you received?

Thank you in advance for your feedback. I'll keep you posted.

Have a good night.

Most Likely to Marry a Rabbi

Thirty years ago I participated in USY Pilgrimage. It was a summer that profoundly affected my life.

I'm to the right of the sign, in the blue shorts and white T. It was 1985. It was the year JTS ordained the first Conservative woman as a rabbi, the culmination of 15 years of work by Ezrat Nashim, a group founded to study the status of women in Judaism. As USYers we didn't know about that. For us, the status quo remained.

I was one of the few girls on the trip who could lead t'fillot. I'd never learned to read Torah, nor really haftarah, but I knew the prayers. (Thanks Mr. Werfel and USY.) This left me in the position of leading what girls could lead (anything that didn't require a minyan). After many mornings of waiting for 10 boys to get to t'fillot on time, I, with a group of other girls, argued for a women's only minyan. At the end of the summer our group, as all groups before and after, gave out summer awards. My group gave me the "Most Likely to Marry a Rabbi" award since I couldn't be a rabbi. It was the first time anyone suggested anything remotely connected to me becoming a rabbi, although it would be another 3 years before the idea would actually take hold. This finally occurred when my suite mate at Brandeis, Brian Meyers, suggested it to me after an evening of group soul-searching among us liberal arts majors. (We believed we were only suited for grad school.) But once the idea took seed it was settled. I knew it was the right decision.

This is the 30th anniversary of that historic event (both women's ordination and my award). Sean & I were proud to travel to New York for the celebration. I also attended a special women's conference to celebrate the 20th anniversary. I'm in the second row, middle, tweed jacket and black turtleneck with long blond hair.

At my Rabbinical School interview I said my goal was to change the world by reaching out and touching one person at a time. Looking over 30 years from that Pilgrimage summer until now, I realize how lucky I've been to have been a part of this!

A Healthy Jewish Deli or The Way to a Grandchild's Heart is Through His Stomach

As we wandered through tonight's epic search for a salad, I found myself thinking of our recent visit to my parents. Visits to New Jersey are usually punctuated with food. There is the trip to the deli, the kosher Chinese take out, the Italian place that has excellent sushi, and, of course, the bags breakfast on our way out of town. If we're lucky, there are additional trips to Carvel (more likely a Carvel cake bought at the supermarket) and or Dunkin Donuts.

We were only in NJ for a few days, and so time to run from cuisine to cuisine was limited. Nevertheless, we managed (arriving Sunday and leaving Thursday):

Monday- Dinner at Lox, Stock, and Deli, the local kosher deli. There was chicken pot pie, kosher bakery cookies, and lots and lots of pickles. Two-thirds of a large menu page was salads. There was also a salad bar and pepper-encrusted tuna. There were "healthy choices."

Tuesday- a trip to Carvel, the best soft-serve ice cream anywhere on earth. I had a medium chocolate soft-serve with coloured sprinkles. American sprinkle are different than Canadian sprinkles. They are softer, less crunchy and candy-like. They are one of the few things I truly miss about the US. We also purchased chocolate crunch, a crunchy chocolate something that Carvel puts in-between the layers of it's ice-cream cakes to make them the best ever!

Wednesday- Chinese food for dinner, lots and lots, and lots of Chinese food.

Thursday- heading out. As usual we ended our visit with breakfast with M&D at the bagel place. An everything bagel with whitefish salad, this time washed down with a Yoo Hoo, another American food. The bagels to go are almost gone.

After tonight's salad quest, I was amazed at how easy it was to find multiple salad choices in a traditional kosher deli.
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L'havdil (and now for something completely different)

A devout hasid dies and goes to heaven. Upon entering he sees an elaborate and beautiful feast. Wondering if it was kosher, he asked ArchAngel Gabriel, "Who's the mashgiach?" Gabriel answers, "The Kadosh Baruch Hu, the Almighty Himself oversees all the food." The hasid replies, "I'll have the fruit plate."

Nighty night y'all.