An Open Letter to Netflix (and Others)

 Why is it that Netflix (and others) think that leaving religious life is entertainment. Yes, fundamentalism can be dangerous. Yes, it’s important that individuals who want to leave fundamental groups believe there is a means to leave. Yet, these shows, even as Batsheva (the eldest daughter in My Unorthodox Life) explains that she’s found a way to Judaism her way, these shows cash in on denigrating religion. This show opens with Batsheva and Ben talking about how her kallah teacher (a teacher who is supposed to teach you about sex, niddah - the laws regarding menstruation - and marriage) couldn’t even say the word “sex.”

There are a number of positive messages about life that come through, but is are just as many negative nonsense about Judaism that gets highlighted. If the show is “My Unorthodox Life” about Julia Hart, why begin with Batsheva and Ben sharing about their sexual knowledge, and why insert difficult moments between them out of context and between unrelated moments of Julia’s life if not for the shock value?

Tisha B’Av teaches us that sinat chinam, causeless hatred, brought about the destruction of our ancient Temple, burned our Sanctuary, and exiled us from our land. (Gittin 56a) But that’s not the end of the story. The text teaches us that the Rabbis were trying to work out a solution, but Rabbi Zekharya ben Avkolas responded to each suggestion with a reason the solutions couldn’t work. It concludes with a statement that his extreme exactitude (his inflexible take on halakhah) of that destroyed our Temple. The issues aren’t religiousness versus non-religiousness. The issue is a complete disregard of choice, of difference, and of respect. What message is being given when Miriam tells her sister she thinks Ben isn’t good for Batsheva, and when Batsheva’s and Ben’s conflict, about which they did not ask for an opinion from Julia, gets a comment that Ben’s opinion is “stupid.”

What if the positives were stressed without the negatives? What if this story was told through a lens of respect. What if examples like, “there are rules for which shoe your supposed to put on first” were given in context?

Here’s a challenge to Netflix - what about creating a show that illustrates religion in a reasonable manner? What about a show that displays how observers of a particular religion demonstrates how Judaism (or other religions) say what can we do instead of what can’t we do? Give me a show that features Jewish military chaplains. Give me a show that features us living a flexible and modern Jewish life instead of Jews who left everything Jewish behind.

Netflix, I can help. I’ll be waiting for that call. 

Faking It - Mother Nature is Lying to Me

I am NOT a morning person. I am a pull the covers over my head for five more minutes person. But today I had to get up.  The sun is shining in my window. It sparkles off the dusting of snow from last night. Puddle coat the street. All this implies that it is a beautiful day. Even my front stoop, facing south and receiving the morning sun, is disingenuously warm. 

All this tries to lure me out of doors. 

But I cannot be fooled. Checking the thermostat, I see it is -6 outside. (That's 21 F for all you Americans.) Though the wind can barely be seen as it blows through the leafless branches, I know it's there. The wires leading to our house sway ominously. I see the brave souls walking, bundled up, only their eyes peeking between scarf and hood. Even the extra challah, tossed out for the squirrels is left behind, too cold for the squirrels to venture out.

And so, I pull a quilt around me and close my eyes for just five more minutes. 

Tu B'Shevat in Covid

 On Wednesday, I participated in a Tu B'Shevat seder. It's been a long time since I've done that. How many other events allow, even encourage you to day-drink four glasses of wine at work? (To tell the truth, I likely totalled almost one regular glass of wine.)

As a holiday, Tu B'Shevat doesn't have a lot to recommend it. Aside from eliminating Tachanun, which many congregations omit anyway, there are no liturgical changes. There is no required ritual. Biblically, Tu B'Shevat is just an annual agricultural marker to mark tithes. Without the Temple and the sacrificial system, it has no religious significance. But this lack of required ritual makes the day a perfect candidate for a modern holiday. 

Judaism is ancient and modern.

Judaism is a religion. It is a people. It is a culture. Judaism is a way of life and a philosophy.

To be a Jew is to be a member of a tribe. 

To keep our tribe relevant, we need to keep all these pieces relevant. There's only so much I can do with Yom Kippur, but Tu B'Shevat offers endless possibilities. It can, and should, be new every year. Having no required ritual, my spouse, Rabbi Sean Gorman, has planned Tu B'Shevat seders that were Israeli wine tastings. He used chocolate, scotch, and beer, moving from light to dark, instead of wine. We've used Tu B'Shevat to start our garden, and to create art.

This year, I used Tu B'Shevat as a celebration of music and connection between Conservative/Masorti communities in Canada, the US, and the UK, but people also joined from the Czech Republic, Israel, and Aruba. We used it to see faces we haven't seen in a long time. We used it as a respite from covid. 

We ended the seder as most s'darim do, "Next year in Jerusalem." Hopefully, we will be able to travel and gather once again, and we can make these words come true.

If you'd like to watch our MERCAZ Tu B'Shevat celebration, or download the seder for future use, go to MERCAZ USA.

The Big Lie in My Nation's Capitol

I have always been respectful of differing opinions. I try very hard to avoid politics on social media. Today's attack on the US Capitol is NOT differing opinions. It is an insurrection. The continuing support of statements by President Trump that President-elect Biden and the Democrats are trying to steal the election is NOT a different opinion. It is a Big Lie. The Big Lie is a tactic designed by Hitler and Goebbels to perpetrate their crimes. Continuing to claim this Big Lie while calling, on Twitter, for calm is a facade. President Trump with one hand stokes the fire with this Big Lie while whispering for calm. 

Let us NOT be mistaken as to who is leading this insurrection against our legally and democratically elected government. These are hate groups who would undermine all principles for which the United States stands. Nooses, t-shirts branded with "Camp Auschwitz" and Nazi salutes (I witnessed this during the live feed, shocking me to my core) illustrate this. 

Our Statue of Liberty is the Mother of Exiles bearing these words: 

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

Those who support this illegal insurrection, align themselves with bigots, Nazis and other hate groups, and those who know not the true ideals of our nation. They stand with those who would see my family and other minorities dead. They deny the strength of our nation, the multitudes who immigrated and built our nation. They stand by violence over the rule of law. And, like those who stood by allowing sinat chinam to cause the Second Temple to be destroyed, they stand with those who would see our great nation fall. 

I have never feared before. But today, seeing a Nazi salute given on the lawn outside the Capitol my heart cried out, and fear struck me to my core. 

When I was a teen, a popular discussion was revolved around the question, "If America and Israel were at war who would you support?" It was never a question. The nations I love, my nations, shared foundational values that could not be at war with each other. Israel is not part of this discussion, but I am witnessing a change in my fellow citizens. I thank those leaders who stood by the Constitution and US values to verify the 2020 election. We won't all agree on many things, but we love the United States and the rule of law. Today my heart bled, but tonight I will hold on to hope that these people will prevail, that our nation will heal, and that I, and my children, will feel safe again in the nation of our birth, the nation we love.

Ending a Year of (Not Really) Saying Kaddish

Tomorrow is my mother's yahrtzeit. 

2020 was supposed to be a good year. A year when Gavi started university. A year when Jesse and Keren were graduating university and high school. A year when Mom was supposed to finish chemo and get her life back. But instead, it would be a year of Kaddish. 

2020 began with a New Year's Day trip to New Jersey, just 2 days after arriving home, to possibly say goodbye to Mom. The trip ended settling her in home hospice care with two wonderful nurses with her around the clock. Home again January 9. After the longest ten days of my life (which is saying something ten months into a pandemic lockdown), Sunday evening, January 19, around 7:00 PM, Mom passed away. 

Wednesday, January 22 we said our final goodbyes. A split shiva in Merrick, Monroe Township, and Toronto, and the cycle of Kaddish began. Each morning I drove Keren to school and went across the street for Shacharit and Kaddish. Each evening I went to minyan in the synagogue where my office is or I came home and went with Sean. I didn't ever sleep in. I sent a note to Mirvish Productions explaining that I would not be renewing our theatre subscription, but it wasn't because I didn't want to. 

Just as everything closed down, after Keren's school closed, after Gavi vacated his dorm, leaving, as Jesse and Sean drove cross-country, I skipped minyan and Kaddish one morning to take our cat Gandalf to the hospital. He never came home. Acute kidney failure. That same week synagogues shut down. 

For a few weeks, maybe a month or so, there was no minyan, no place to say Kaddish. Then synagogues began to set up Zoom, then streaming. Kaddish moved online. 

I've written before about my experience with Kaddish online. I don't like it. My year has not be the comfort within a community that meant so much after my father died. But meaningful or not, it ends tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will be in shul, not online, in shul, with nine other people - masked and disinfected, most of us saying Kaddish. 

And that last Kaddish, especially because it will be in shul, especially because I will be standing with others, but so far away, especially because we're all in this together, that last Kaddish will make up for everything that came before.

With my prayers tomorrow morning I will say a prayer that next year on Mom's yahrtzeit I won't be masked, I won't be distant. I will be standing with friends and family, with my community, and we'll say goodbye one more time together.