Shloshim & Trying to Catch Up

Mom's shloshim is approaching. With it I am trying to find my equilibrium with her gone. It’s not coming. Twenty-seven days in, and I simply cannot get into the routine of minyan twice a day. I go to sleep reminding myself that I have minyan in the morning when it should now be a simple fait accompli. Sean asks me where I plan on going to Mincha, and I think, “Oh my God, I haven’t thought about it yet.” I’d rather stay in bed or binge-watch television. I’d rather anything but the reality of Mom’s being gone.

As I pray, reaching the point in the Amidah where I add a prayer for the ill, my first instinct is still to add my mother’s name. Each time, I pause,  stopping myself, before going on to my brother’s name, still recovering from back surgery, catching my breath as I add my mother’s name as part of his.

It’s not just me. Yesterday I was ordering something on amazon, and deciding where to send it. As I was doing it, I asked Gavi for the rolodex. (Yes, we still have one. It’s quick and convenient.) As he handed it to me, he said, “Are you going to call Grandma?” I kissed him and cried.

One task I've been avoiding is the note writing to everyone who sent condolences, food, and donations. Though I looked at emails, appreciating every note of comfort, I didn’t delete or answer once shiva began. Though appreciated, it was also overwhelming. I’m doing this now. Dozens of emails and Facebook messages. Donations and cards.  I found one particularly special one. For years, my father learned at a yeshiva. He became very close with the Rosh Yeshiva, Rabbi Avraham Gaon. When Daddy died the yeshiva dedicated a day of learning to him. Upon hearing Mom had passed away, he wrote, "In a way I knew. Believe it or not, a plant that Bruce gave me about 15 years ago just died on Sunday (the day Mom died). I could not bring myself to ask."

A wonderful member of my framily (friend+family) told me about her father waiting in the next world for her mother. I imagine my father, wandering in the afterlife, not quite knowing what to do with himself, as he once did upon extending a visit to us in Hawaii two weeks longer than Mom, his equilibrium off without her. Whatever comes next, are they settling back into their old routine?

And so, leaving the house for minyan, amidst thoughts of “I don’t want to leave the house,” I thought one month almost done, 11 more to go.