So it took me an extra month, but I finally did it. I finished Masechet Brachot. I should have realized I was finishing. I know the final sugya (paragraph). Yet, when it was upon me, sitting in bed at about 2:00 am, rather than stopping, and finishing with a siyyum, I moved on, and, suddenly, I was done.
After so much work, so much frustration when I couldn't learn, whether because I was mourning or because my mind wouldn't function, there it was, without fanfare or celebration. And then it was Yom Tov. And Shabbat. And my mind was still spinning, spinning with sheltering in place. And though I thought of starting Shabbat, I did not. And I am slowly but surely falling ever father behind.
I will not give up. Though the hour is late, I will begin Shabbat tonight. I am 37 pages behind, over a month. Perhaps someday I will catch up, but not likely in this masechet. I've studied Shabbat before. Pieces will go fast, but others will go slow.
Though the world may move on without me, I will proceed as I can. I will not judge myself by any others, but only by what I am able to do for me, for me alone.
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