Lock-Down Chronicle - Trying to Get Back to Who I Want to Be

I'm trying to blog again. I like the me in my blog. I am serious. I am funny. I am focused. I am three dimensional. I am real. 

This was supposed to be inspirational. But as I said in the sentence above, I am real. I am not okay. It's Mental Illness Awareness Month, and it's important for others that we can admit when we're not okay. If you continue to read, know this is not a happy entry. 

But it will be okay, because I'm on my way back. 

We've been in COVID lock-down for almost 37 weeks. I could describe it, but Charles Dickens already did in A Tale of Two Cities.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us..."

I am not a Dickens fan, but I recognize his brilliance in turning a phrase and in building a story. He would have been the perfect person to write the story of COVID. 

COVID has brought out the best in us. It has shown us that we can support each other through the worst moments of these terrible times. Through it all, we have gained scientific wisdom, medical wisdom, but we have also seen the most reckless of behaviours with little regard for others. This is not a symptom of COVID, but of the world we have created, a world in which personal rights come before communal responsibility. 

It's after midnight, and a new lockdown is begun. There is a limit to how much we can slow a pandemic. Unfortunately, there is no limit to how much we can speed it up. My normal state is eternal optimist. It says so in my bio. And I will NOT let COVID break me, but I'm tired. I'm a bit numb. I don't even care that we shut down again. "We had everything before us, we had nothing before us." 

Two weeks ago I began physiotherapy for carpal tunnel. I'd like to blame it on COVID and the lockdown, but, reality is, it began the summer after my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I spent a few weeks in New Jersey with her, working from afar, and my slight problem blossomed into a full-grown problem. If only that was the end of it. I'd last seen my physiotherapist five years ago. She asked me how I was doing. How do I tell her what she missed?

Five years ago - my father was alive and healthy. Thursday is his third yahrtzeit. He cut his foot. It got infected. Gangrene set in. His toe was amputated, but the infection was in the bone. Antibiotics killed his kidneys. Dialysis kept him alive, and, eventually, killed him.

Just as Mom, and we, were getting our lives back on track, Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. 

AND...

Just about a month before Mom's diagnosis, I discovered a lump on my uterus. It turned out to be nothing, sort of. Though I'd never had any hint of them before, I had three large, nay huge, fibroids. My uterus was about the size of a four-month pregnancy. Fourteen painful months later, with the size close to a five-month pregnancy, one week after my mother's cancer took a turn for the worst, I finally had a complete hysterectomy. Less than a month later, we were setting her up in hospice. She died before I finished my recovery. Two months later, just as we were locking down, our beloved, sweet cat, Gandalf the Grey died of acute kidney failure. 5780 was supposed to be a year of healing. I decided it. I kept the intention. Unfortunately, life had a different idea. So I looked to 5781, and 2020 happened. 

But 2020 won't last forever. I'm tired, and I'm numb, but I won't always feel this way. We don't know what the world will look like on the other side. When all this is over, we'll take the good, and we will heal.

We Are Resilient. We will Be Okay. We will Be Even Better.

As a rabbi and Jewish professional, I am involved in a lot of talk about how we keep our synagogues and community alive, and in the greater religious world, how can religious communities remain relevant when our houses of worship are closed, when we cannot even hold a hand, provide last rites and confessionals, and be fully present for lifecycle events from birth to death. I have taught classes, prayed, attended meetings, learned, and counselled couples about weddings and circumcision. I have cried with friends and family over Zoom at funerals and shivas. I have done my best. It is not enough, but it is what I, and my colleagues can do right now.

There's a wonderful story about a town without a watchmaker. Slowly, slowly, over many years, the town's clocks and watches shifted out of time, until not a one was correct. One day the news spread that a watchmaker was going to be passing through. Excited, the townspeople gathered in the city square to present watches and clocks to the watchmaker. One by one each person approached and reverently handed her/his watch or clock to the artisan. He pronounced its fate, good or not. All those who devotedly kept up the practice of winding watches and clocks regardless of whether they were keeping proper time would have their watches fixed. The watches and clocks of those who believed there was no point to winding while the watches weren't working properly had frozen gears and workings beyond help.

We're not keeping proper time. We're out of sync. Our rituals feel somehow off, shifted out of time. But we keep winding our watches. We keep moving and doing. We connect in any way we can. And when the time comes to open our doors, when the time comes to meet again, to pray in person, to connect without masks or walls, if we have devotedly wound our watches, no matter how off we were, our fate will be positive, and we will rebound and come out of this strong and resilient.

S'firat HaOmer Hesed Count Day 3 - A Good Cause

Today's S'firat HaOmer Hesed Challenge is tzedakah. 

There are many charities I love. How to pick just one?!

As a pre-teen, teen, and young adult I supported the North Shore Animal League, an animal rescue. Sean and I later adopted Aiko through them, and continued to support them when we lived in New York. 

USY and Ramah are very dear to me. My brother was a Ramahnik, as were my children. Sean and I spent over 20 years as Ramah staff at Ramah Canada and Ramah Poconos, and the kids are continuing the tradition. If I had to choose one Jewish experience for my children it would be Jewish summer camp. USY provides a similar experience year-round. Again, my brother and I were USYers, and my children followed. 

I appreciate and support the USO for all the support they provide to military personnel and their families. It's so much more than Bob Hope and celebrities entertaining the troops. We have benefited, and we give back regularly.

I am, of course partial to Canadian Foundation for Masorti Judaism. We work with FJMC in Canada and with Masorti in Israel to bring Jews closer to Judaism. It is something I think is vital to the continuation of Judaism in the greater community. Masorti teaches how halakhic Judaism can be about what we can do instead of stringencies on what we cannot. It brings the best of Judaism and of modernity together. I couldn't work for its growth unless I believed it in my heart. With so many Masorti rabbis in Israel at home without pay, they can use your help. Support the kehillah fund, write Covid support in the comment section. Check out www.masorti-mercaz.ca

S'firat HaOmer & Hesed

My friend Yacov Fruchter created this beautiful idea for S'firat HaOmer. 

Having missed the first two days, I will post them here. And I will try to post daily (except Yom Tov and Shabbat)

Day One - Someone I am proud of - I am particularly proud of my husband, Sean Gorman, who has told his US Navy Reserve command he's available for whatever they need, and who has spent these days of Yom Tov as his command's duty chaplain. Though Yom Tov and Shabbat for us, between isolation and holiday stress, there have been many people who needed to speak with their chaplain. Depression, custody issues, fear and more are pressing upon people. Knowing there's someone safe to speak with is vital to wellbeing and mental and spiritual health.

Day Two - Something I am thankful for - Most of you know that 2020 has not been good for my family, a continuation of a difficult 2019. Strangely, though we're all getting a bit (or more) stir crazy, the time at home has provided me with the downtime I needed to continue to mourn my mother and more. I've had time to be sad. Time to stay in bed and wallow, which everyone needs sometimes. It was time I didn't plan on taking, time forced upon me by Covid-19, but time I clearly needed, and for that I am thankful. I am appreciating the craziness of us being 5 people at home, even with the volume. I am thankful for the love and friendship I see among my children (who stay up to all hours talking with each other). They have grown up not only siblings, but friends. For all that I am observing while sheltering in place, I am thankful. 

https://www.beth-tzedec.org/…/m…/2174/sfirat-hesed-chart.pdf

Finishing Brachot Without Fanfare or Judging Myself

So it took me an extra month, but I finally did it. I finished Masechet Brachot. I should have realized I was finishing. I know the final sugya (paragraph). Yet, when it was upon me, sitting in bed at about 2:00 am, rather than stopping, and finishing with a siyyum, I moved on, and, suddenly, I was done.

After so much work, so much frustration when I couldn't learn, whether because I was mourning or because my mind wouldn't function, there it was, without fanfare or celebration. And then it was Yom Tov. And Shabbat. And my mind was still spinning, spinning with sheltering in place. And though I thought of starting Shabbat, I did not. And I am slowly but surely falling ever father behind.

I will not give up. Though the hour is late, I will begin Shabbat tonight. I am 37 pages behind, over a month. Perhaps someday I will catch up, but not likely in this masechet. I've studied Shabbat before. Pieces will go fast, but others will go slow.

Though the world may move on without me, I will proceed as I can. I will not judge myself by any others, but only by what I am able to do for me, for me alone.