Shloshim is over. There's one more week in the MERCAZ membership drive. For the last year it seems I've been saying, "if I can only make it through..." whatever the next big thing was. Month after month after month. Exhausting, but each thing came with an end date only a month or so away.
Now, as the last of those big things is coming to an end, I can't see the end. Whatever was serving as my storm anchor, the thing that kept me in place and kept me going through it all, it seems to have disappeared. I am unmoored. My foundation is gone. I, the one who keeps everyone's life organized, am missing things. Papers are everywhere. Books are piled up. Sewing, art supplies, planting, so much isn't done. What I really want to do is take a day, a week, a month, and just be me, alone. Read a book. Learn a little. Watch old movies.
And that's normal. It's normal to feel sad. We don't move on from loss. We eventually assimilate it. We develop a new normal. Importantly, there's no timeline for this. There's no quick fix. It's different every time. It can last through shloshim. It can last for months beyond. It can last through the year of Kaddish, and even further. You may lack energy. You may feel sad every day. You may feel great, and then suddenly all the feelings return. You're not going crazy. You're simply mourning.
I am mourning. I cry frequently. Some days are good. Some are simply there, neutral. Some are hard. And some are all of these - good, indifferent, bad, sad, happy, crazy, lost. Name the feeling; I'm likely going through it. It's all normal.
I'm not going crazy. I am still sad. I am still grieving. I am unorganized and out of control. I am tired, not physically, but without energy. I am depleted - mentally, emotionally, and intellectually.
It'll get easier. Just give me a year.
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