Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Ezer K'negdo or Master/Slave?

Melissa Gorga, one of the "Real Housewives" of New Jersey, has written a book. Love Italian Style, besides having supposedly appalling grammar, purports that women want to be dominated.  The backup- the recent success of 50 Shades of Grey. Beyond the concept of trusting a relationship advice book by a "real housewife," this does bring up questions.

There are differences- In 50 Shades of Grey, Anastasia is not completely submissive. That is the crux. Christian Grey has to learn that to have a relationship there needs to be give and take. Anastasia can choose to cede power within their sexual relationship, but she still maintains the choice. No means no. Furthermore, outside their sexual coupling, their relationship is one of equals. Building to this understanding and respect is what creates and supports their relationship.  To be a master and a slave is a shallow relationship. Each may circle in his/her own sphere, but they cannot truly be partners in life.

The Torah teaches us to find our ezer k'negdo in our life partner. Ezer is help, but k'negdo is in opposition. In an ideal life partner there must be both. We support when support is needed, but we challenge to raise our partners to their own ideals.

The question arises which do women really want? 50 Shades is not necessarily about what women want. I may fantasize about a house on the French Riviera. It is fun, but I don't really want a house on the Riviera. It's the pretend that is the fun, not the getting. Fantasy does not always represent the truth of our desires. In fact, as Spock points out, "Wanting is more pleasing than having. It is not logical, but it is often true."

If women in general really wanted to be controlled, the women's lib movement would have failed. The issues of women around the world would not be the issues they are. You cannot force evolution. It must be the right time, the right place, and the right people. The argument that gender roles have not fully changed doesn't work. The is an evolution of culture, and like genetic evolution, it moves neither quickly, nor in a straight line forward. We have far to go. We have much to teach each other. We have much to learn. We are evolving, but so are our society, our roles, and our definitions. Of course, every once in a while, there's a throw-back.

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