Marriage Advice from America's longest Married Couple

There was a lot of news this week about John (102) and Ann Betar (98), who eloped 81 years ago. News comes both from the yay marriage and the nay marriage camps.

Asked for advice on how they stayed together so long, Ann said, "Marriage isn't a lovey-dovey thing." She spoke about devoting time to understanding each other. John pointed out that they always hold hands, and added, "Always listen to your wife."

There's more of course.  Being content with your life is important.  Like Ann said, it's not all fireworks and rainbows.  Some days are filled with sick kids and kitty litter.  Contentment is not loving every day, but it is being happy and satisfied with the overall.  I am not a gardener, but I love the look, the harvest, and the time it gives me with my daughter who is a gardener.  I am content to put in the time for the benefits I get.  Marriage is the same. I may not love every moment, but the time together and the benefits are sure worth it.

The old joke is that a woman gets married thinking she can change her husband. A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change.  The reality is we both change and stay the same.  Sean will never put things away in the places they actually go.  Things will continue to fall out of cabinets on me, and I will have to search for the things he has given new and interesting homes.  I don't understand the difficulty in putting the milk in the correct spot (or the pasta, or the cans, or my sweaters...), but I do understand that it is impossible for Sean.  I can choose to be frustrated and angry or accept the things I cannot change.  But we also grow.  We grow as individuals and together.  We grow through our actions and interactions.  We grow emotionally.  If we continue to devote the time to understanding each other, we will continue to grow together and not apart.

And holding hands- couples tend to share space.  One of the first things I notice in a couple having trouble is the space.  I knew a family member was having marital issues before even he did.  They weren't touching.  Couples touch. They orbit each other like celestial bodies. They share personal space.  The intimacy shared does not end when you leave the bedroom, it is merely curtailed.  It continues to be expressed through hand holding, a touch to the arm  or back, leaning, and even eye contact.

So mazel tov to you, John and Ann.  You figured it out- not by reading self-help books and following experts, but simply by living with and for each other.  Here's to 120.

Hanukah as a Zionist Statement

This drash comes from one shared by Rabbi Lionel Moses (from a teaching of Rabbi David Hartman). I hope I have done them justice in repeating the ideas.

Roni v’simchi bat Tziyon ki hi’n’ni-va v’shachanti b’tokheikh n’um A’donai.

Sing and be joyful, daughter of Zion, for I come, and I will dwell amidst you, said A’donai. (Zekhariah 2:14)

The holiday of Hanukah celebrates the military victory of Israel, led by the Maccabees, over the invading power of the Assyrians. A miraculous feat in itself, it is made more miraculous by the story of the single flask of pure oil lasting eight days.

In modern times, the celebration of Hanukah has shifted from this nationalistic focus to one celebrating religious freedom. The Maccabees fought for our right to practice Judaism as we wished, and not to assimilate.

Rabbi David Hartman, founder of the Shalom Hartman Institute in Jerusalem, taught that we need to return to our nationalistic roots. According to Rabbi Hartman (as shared with me by Rabbi Lionel Moses of Shaare Zion Congregation, Montreal) the celebration of Hanukah is a Zionist statement. It is a public affirmation of our right as a nation to exist, and for Jews to live and practice on the world stage. After all, it is a celebration of a military victory, one which solidified our right to national independence. We place our hanukiyot in our windows, proclaiming this victory, and therefore this right, to the world.

In the words of Mi Yimalel, “Uvyameinu kol am Yisrael, yitached yakum vayigael; but now all Israel must as one arise, redeem itself through deed and sacrifice.” With our celebration of Hanukah, let’s focus, with song and celebration, our hearts, minds, and actions towards Israel, our people and our land.

Making the Punishment Fit the Crime

Last night Sean and I went out for an evening with friends.  We left a clean house with our kids watching TV and playing games. It was a lovely evening, a formal dinner we do annually with friends. We get all dressed up; eat good food; drink some cocktails, and enjoy great conversation.  The evening flew by, and we returned home around 12:30 AM.

Here is the scene when we walked in the door-

• Kids are all in the kitchen.
• A Bakkugan cartoon is playing on the desktop, loudly.
• The sink is full of dishes. (They ate dinner before we went out)  They had eaten pasta with cheese, ice cream, and only God knows what else.
• The table is full of dishes.
• There are dishes on the counter.
• Food is still out.
• Milk is out.

When we said, "Clean up and go to bed." The response was to beg a bit more time.  After all, the cartoon was over in 10 minutes.  Because we will never learn, we agreed, with a caveat.  They had to clean the kitchen.  That meant (and I spelled it out for them) the dishwasher loaded, and any other dishes washed.  Food put away.  The table cleaned off.  All dishes cleaned up, either in the dishwasher or washed.

Here is the scene to which we woke:

• Kids all out cold (we don't know what time they finally went to bed).
• Sink still full of dishes.
• Glasses on the table and the counter.
• Pots on the stove.
• A sticky table
• 1/2 a banana on the table.
• Bowls in the dishwasher right side up (not really helpful).
• There was probably more, but I can't place it.

By 10 AM two children were up.  Gavi actually asked me to make him pancakes.  I said no.  Keren made pancakes instead.  I woke Jesse, twice.  He finally got out of bed at 12:25 PM.  I had loaded the dishwasher, and washed dishes.  I needed to make some space for me to make myself breakfast.  But there had to be consequences.

Here is what the kids did today:

• Swept the house from top to bottom.
• Unloaded the dishwasher and drain rack.
• Collected books, games, etc. from all the rooms in the house and put them away.
• Cleaned three bathrooms- mirrors, counters, floors, toilets.
• Organized the den.
• Cleaned their rooms (mostly).
• Did some laundry.

The most amazing part- they did it without complaint.  Did they learn a lesson?  I think not, at least not a lasting one.  But if we do this again, and again, and again- it'll sink in.  In the meantime, we have a clean house, at least for today.

Here Comes the Sun

We are well settled back into Standard Time.  It is my preferred time.  I so prefer sunlight at the start of my day, when it helps to warm my room and wake me up.  Rising in the total darkness makes me want to say things that would embarrass Rob Ford.

Today, a non-work, non-school day, there were no alarms set.  I woke to the sun streaming in my window, warm beams spreading across the blanket, and the cat shifting next to my legs to take it all in.  It wasn't 10 am.  It was 7:23 am.  Not late, but still bright, even in November in Toronto.

I know it won't last.  We'll have a couple of months of darkness on both ends of the day.  Then, just when the sun returns, it will be horribly taken from us as we "leap forward" to Daylight Savings, an abomination before creation.

Parashat Vayishlach- Wrestling With the Divine

Vayivateir Yaakov l’vado vayei’aveik ish imo ad a lot hashachar. Vayar ki lo yakhol lo vayiga b’khaf-y’reikho vateika kaf-yerekh Yaakov b’hei’avko imo. Vayomer shalcheini ki alah hashachar Vayomer lo ashaleichakha ki im beirakhtani.

And Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. And when he saw he could not prevail over him [Jacob], he touched the hollow of [Jacob’s] thigh, and the hollow of Jacob’s thigh was strained as he wrestled with him. And he said, ‘Release me for day breaks;’ and he [Jacob] said, ‘I will not let you go unless you bless me.’ (B’reishit 25-27)

Jacob’s wrestling with the angel is an extremely popular archetype. It is an image repeated and reinterpreted throughout literature. Jacob is alone. With whom does he wrestle? An angel? Himself? Does someone else intrude upon his solitude? And the blessing which he demands, can one demand a blessing of an angel? If sent by God, why is he wrestling, and what is his mission? If himself, can Jacob truly bless himself?

Jacob has always had a difficult relationship with the Divine. He received his religious legacy under false pretenses, but once given it could not be taken back. He has trouble sensing God’s presence as he runs, wheeling and dealing with God for Divine protection. And here- demanding blessing. One must wonder is his difficulty with God or with the divine spark that resides within himself.  We each in our lives struggle with God’s presence in the world and in ourselves. It lies at the heart of questions about how we interact with each other and the world. We wonder how humans can perpetrate evil against each other, but we are equally surprised at extreme good. Perhaps the wrestling is the struggle not to accept mediocrity, but to strive to be b’tzelem Ehlokim, in the image of God.