Marriage Advice from America's longest Married Couple

There was a lot of news this week about John (102) and Ann Betar (98), who eloped 81 years ago. News comes both from the yay marriage and the nay marriage camps.

Asked for advice on how they stayed together so long, Ann said, "Marriage isn't a lovey-dovey thing." She spoke about devoting time to understanding each other. John pointed out that they always hold hands, and added, "Always listen to your wife."

There's more of course.  Being content with your life is important.  Like Ann said, it's not all fireworks and rainbows.  Some days are filled with sick kids and kitty litter.  Contentment is not loving every day, but it is being happy and satisfied with the overall.  I am not a gardener, but I love the look, the harvest, and the time it gives me with my daughter who is a gardener.  I am content to put in the time for the benefits I get.  Marriage is the same. I may not love every moment, but the time together and the benefits are sure worth it.

The old joke is that a woman gets married thinking she can change her husband. A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change.  The reality is we both change and stay the same.  Sean will never put things away in the places they actually go.  Things will continue to fall out of cabinets on me, and I will have to search for the things he has given new and interesting homes.  I don't understand the difficulty in putting the milk in the correct spot (or the pasta, or the cans, or my sweaters...), but I do understand that it is impossible for Sean.  I can choose to be frustrated and angry or accept the things I cannot change.  But we also grow.  We grow as individuals and together.  We grow through our actions and interactions.  We grow emotionally.  If we continue to devote the time to understanding each other, we will continue to grow together and not apart.

And holding hands- couples tend to share space.  One of the first things I notice in a couple having trouble is the space.  I knew a family member was having marital issues before even he did.  They weren't touching.  Couples touch. They orbit each other like celestial bodies. They share personal space.  The intimacy shared does not end when you leave the bedroom, it is merely curtailed.  It continues to be expressed through hand holding, a touch to the arm  or back, leaning, and even eye contact.

So mazel tov to you, John and Ann.  You figured it out- not by reading self-help books and following experts, but simply by living with and for each other.  Here's to 120.