Today I started my day with a cup of coffee. It's not something I normally do. If I have three cups of coffee in a month that's a lot. At Brandeis I loved coffee. Working at Ramah as a university and grad student I existed on coffee, but something has changed. Coffee has betrayed me. It went from friend to enemy. I do not know why. I thought it was the caffeine, but I can eat a handful or more of espresso beans with no ill effects. Caffeinated tea does nothing, and chocolate is like air to me. Coffee however betrays me. A fluttery feeling I cannot describe seems to fill me instead of the wonderful feeling of awareness. I am all too conscious of the beating of my heart. The heart should be an organ you can take for granted, like your liver. You should never know with total awareness that it is there, but passively instead. I am alive. I am functioning. My heart is still there. Unfortunately the feeling last long after the caffeine effects. Just twenty minutes after the cup I am crashing. It leaves me feeling as if I have had a day of hard labor. I give up. I capitulate. Coffee- you win. Live long, for I shall not drink you again. (Of course, I'll probably forget in time, and you coffee will again have your evil way with me.
:(
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