Foxnews.com has a daily column on sex. Sometimes interesting, sometimes not. Sometimes dead on, sometimes not. Today's column focused on boredom in the bedroom. Yes, at the end they offered some suggestions for preventing such boredom, and some of it even made sense, but by presenting it as they did, it seems like just one more nail in the coffin for fidelity.
According to Foxnews.com (http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/05/23/bored-bedroom-snooze-lose/?test=faces), "Good in Bed Research" presented a study on boredom. 3,341 readers in "committed relationships" were surveyed. The top five boredom factors were on the board (no pun intended, just the Family Feud reference). According to this survey, 24% reported having an affair due to boredom. Top factors included:
- Moving in together (15.6%)
- Marriage (13.8%)
- Getting pregnant (8%)
- Having kids (32.2 percent)
- Getting older (38.5%)
My two cents here- this is ridiculous. There is a hasidic tradition of offering a blessing to a bride. At every wedding I attend I offer the following blessing: "I wish you laughter." Being comfortable enough with each other to comfortably laugh at the most ridiculous moments will also offer opportunities to talk at the most intimate. If you're bored for any of the reasons listed above you have two problems. First, you're probably bored with yourself. Second, you've failed to realize that you are supposed to be building a life together with a strong foundation on which to lean.
I don't know about you, but my life goals include contentment, security ( in the comfortable sense), and peace. Roller coasters are fun, but not every day, and emotional roller coasters leave you panting on floor holding on for dear life. But contentment, security, and peace do NOT mean boredom, not in the kitchen, not while we're living life outside the house, and not in the bedroom. How do we do this? There are two big factors. The first is we talk. We talk about everything. Does this mean we don't argue? No, we do a fair amount of that too, but we make sure to let it go. Secondly, we observe the family purity laws. That means for half of each month we have to find ways to relate to each other that aren't physical, and yes, absence can make the heart grow fonder.
On the flip side of the FoxNews column, the National Post ran an article promoting early marriage (http://life.nationalpost.com/2011/05/21/not-too-late-to-bring-back-early-marriage/). Mark Regnerus, a University of Texas professor, has been promoting early marriage. Sean and I received similar advice from a colleague while still in seminary. Mel said to us, "If you wait until you're fully ready, you'll never do it." Mel was talking about children, but it holds true for marriage. Wait until you've found the one! Absolutely! Then, build a life together. Is it easy? No, but it will create a strong foundation for you as a couple. Someday, when your children are grown and out of the house, you'll have a rock-solid foundation built as a couple when they weren't around.
Sean and I married within two years of meeting each other. We were engaged within nine months, and we'd only been dating for three. How? Why? In the words of the great film, "When Harry Met Sally," "...because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." At Brandeis I had a suite-mate my junior year who got married half-way through the year. She was a junior. He was a sophomore. Their reasoning was "We're getting married. Why wait, and pay for 2 rents, 2 sets of utilities, 2 everything, just because our parents think we're a little young." Daniel and Rebecca were absolutely right, and yes, they're still together.
People worry that if they aren't independent and financially secure they'll have problems. I think this is a fear about what if it doesn't work. Relationships are work, every day. But when you work together there more hope for the future. For Daniel and Rebecca, for Sean and me, and for Professor Mark Regnerus and his wife there is a strong foundation built on shared experience. We know where the hardships were, and we helped each other through them. We also know that together we can do it again.
I'd also add (and Professor Regnerus adds too) that after our 18 years together the sexual chemistry is better than ever.
