Last Thursday Sean & I headed downtown to prove to the nation of Canada that we, although born and bred in the United States, were actually fluent enough in English to become permanent residents of Canada. Being native-born English speakers, with over 20 years of English schooling from accredited schools, multiple degrees from English-speaking universities, and being published in English, clearly wasn't enough to prove we are as fluent as a middle schooler.
Having to be downtown by 8:30 was our first challenge. The children begin school at 8:45. With a bit of planning we managed to get everyone up and dressed early enough. Sean & I davenned at home; Jesse put on his tallit and t'fillin, and we headed to Beth Tzedec for t'fillot. Jesse joined the minyan. Sean and I greeted people. Keren & Gavi stayed with a couple of young friends who are unfortunately saying kaddish. They all kept each other busy until breakfast. (Thanks to Connie who fed us all, along with the minyan crowd she feeds every morning!)
Sean and I lucked into a ride downtown, and by 8:30 we were checking in for our exam. There were a lot of people registered, and the one language we didn't hear while waiting on line was English. We were checked in and seated in our assigned seats. It struck me that the last time I was in this type of situation (a standardized test, seated with others, with my #2 pencils) I was seated at Harvard University taking my GRE's. I shared this with Sean, and we began laughing over this. The proctor turned and shushed us. We questioned the shushing. After all, the exam didn't begin for another 20 minutes, but we were tersely informed that once seated no talking was allowed.
For 20 minutes we sat, hands crossed, in our seats, silent and bored.
At 9:00 AM the doors were closed, and the exam began. Instructions were given. Answer sheets and exam booklets handed out ("Do not open your exam booklet until instructed to do so.") There were three sections, one hour each- listening, reading, and writing. Along with the instructions and collecting we'd eventually spend over four hours taking this test.
The test organization is based in Britain and Australia. This made the listening piece interesting, as one voice in the first recorded section had a strong Australian accent. I wouldn't have minded so much if I were trying to move to Australia, but I'm actually emigrating to Canada, where the accent is very different than Australia. The first three answers should have been easy, but with the accent I cannot say I got them correct. Oh well, there are 37 more to go. The third listening piece was a conversation between two scientists (supposedly). Just as they get into the meat of the discussion, one uses a colloquialism. Was it a Canadian colloquialism? No, it was an Australian colloquialism. Again, fine if I am moving to Australia, but I am in another hemisphere completely.
Second was the reading exam. Oh what I would have given for a red pencil. I did this section twice. First I wrote on my answer sheet. Then, instead of checking my answers, I redid the exam in the test booklet. Third, I compared my answers. With still 30 minutes to go, I began to correct the grammar in the test booklet. Circling and marking "faulty grammar," "ambiguous pronoun reference," and "awkward" took another 10 minutes. At some point the proctor came and took away one of my pens. We were allowed pens and pencils, but one of my pens had an attached highlighter, clearly contraband. Again, 20 minutes of sitting, hands crossed, doing nothing. Actually that's not true. I put my head down on the desk, and I fell asleep.
After my refreshing cat nap I had the writing exam. There were two parts: short and long. The short part was a business letter with a minimum of 150 words. The second was an essay explaining an opinion, 250 words. I chose the position I thought was the contrary one. A girl's got to have a little fun. My first essay was 231 words. For the second I wrote over 333. Yes, I did count, three times. What else was there to do with my time? I'd already taken a nap.
During the writing section I had time to debate American versus Canadian grammar and spelling in my head. Do I include the "u"? (Yes.) What about the comma rule in making a list? While I initially left the comma before "and" out, I eventually put one in from force of habit. Afterward, I opted for consistency, and went through and added them.
After over four hours, we were set free until 5:00 PM, when we had to report for our spoken tests. We spent most of the 4.5 hours walking through the city. Upon arrival (a bit early) we kibbitzed with the staff. I shared with them that I usually get paid $200 for speaking on a given topic for 20 minutes. Gerrard, our examiner, was fun. He was good-natured and a bit surprised that native-born Americans had to take the test, but onward we plodded. My and Sean's answers are recorded in case anyone questions our abilities. The questions are clearly not meant for North Americans. One question asked me about the foods of my culture. I said, "I'm from New York. Our cultural foods are hot dogs, bagels, and deli." Gerrard didn't have me elaborate. Sean was asked about how important native costume is in his culture. Personally, I think it's important, as a New Yorker, to support our local teams, wearing the blue and orange of many of our teams, or local sports team jerseys and hats.
At the end, Gerrard told us he didn't think we'd be back, smiled, and said he'd enjoyed speaking with us. The lobby had signs saying that we were in an "English only zone. Anyone speaking another language would be asked to leave." Sean couldn't resist, and we headed out with a quick "ya'lah."
