A motzi-Shabbat dinner party
I was so looking forward to a night out. I figured I'd get a bit of intellectual stimulation with the other chaplains and their wives. An interesting evening it was- meat lasagne, oh well, salad, and fruit salad is fine, even better than worrying. Even so, it was a difficult night.
The wives seem content to talk among themselves, never my forte, and I was a bit uncomfortable with the discussion at times. A democrat, nay bleeding heart liberal, a socialist even, in a sea of conservative republicans. For a moment I felt as if the conversation crossed into prejudice. Furthermore, I am beginning to feel quite alone. The wives are not, in general, an educated group. I often have little or nothing to say to them, and the chaplains do not seem to know how to relate to me. I am neither a wife, being ordained myself, nor a chaplain. The result is my feeling ignored. [In hindsight I believe the comments to stem more from ignorance than prejudice. For all the opportunities the military offers, it can somehow manage to remain small town USA. Some stay in this world, never gaining knowledge of the amazing differences among people. Among some of these there can lack an acceptance of those differences stemming from an assumption that their way is the right way, and shock and surprise that anyone would think something different. Of course most embrace the opportunities provided. Chaplains especially must learn to understand and appreciate, but it sometimes takes longer for the wives who do not deploy. Whereas rebbetzins are by and large educated, often with graduate degrees, many chaplains' wives are less educated than their husbands, and with much less worldly experience.]
I am realizing that I really am in the midbar. I am so alone and ache for a peer group. We've been here three months with no job in sight. I am interested in a few projects and yearn for the JTS library.
This past Shabbat was Vayetzei. It has got me thinking of angels. I am inspired by the ideas of God's messengers moving among us; by the knowledge that even as Jacob was alone God's messengers were with him. I look around and can see this is God's country. The promise is illuminated in the daily appearance of rainbows, and even as I feel ultimately alone, I look about and declare, "Hashem bamakom hazeh, v'anokhi lo yadati." "God was in this place, and I, I did not know it." I know we are doing divine work. I just wish I could be more active at it.
V'hinei sulam mutzav artza... a ladder was set on the ground, and its top reached the heavens, and behold the messangers of God were going up and down upon it. (Breishit 28:12)
Angels ascending and descending, moving between the earthly realm and the heavens, and naturally part of both. What a paradox are angels?! They fill the Heavenly Court, singing to and conversing with God Himself. Yet, our tradition often holds humans above them. I have always been fascinated by the concept of angels, but recently with the upsurge of public interest I find myself wondering over the differences in our angel theology.
On erev Thanksgiving we attended the interfaith prayer service, during which we had a moment of prayer. I wonder why Christians bow their heads. I sat, eyes closed, face upturned, thinking of God and experienced a true moment of prayer. I visioned before me a throne of saphire, shining in darkness. I have never doubted God, so fortunate to feel the Divine Presence always, but was over-whelmed by the warmth of the vision.
