Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Returning to the present 2010

It's amazing to me how vivid these memories are as I type my journal. Going through them also helps deal with the day to day here. We're finally settling into the routine of missing Sean.

We had breakfast yesterday with him on the computer. It's strange that he's present and yet not. I'm not really sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Gavi had a hard day at school after. He said he felt like a six ton weight was pressing down on his stomach. When we came home he went to bed for a bit. We talked about Sean's absence and the physical effect missing someone can have. Gavi cried a bit, rested a bit, and then came to join us. However, later in the evening the feeling returned, and by midnight Gavi was sleeping in my room. Today was Jesse's day. The morning started off well, but when he came out of school, he just looked sad. He said he feels a lot of pressure in school, but when we examined what he has to do, he's doing so much better than last year in terms of work and projects. At the heart of the matter he is simply missing his Abba. Strangely Keren, who burst into tears at the slightest provocation prior to Sean's leaving hasn't had her day yet.

For me, as we settle in, every day has its ups and downs. I have not really recovered from our trip south. Gavi was ill, and we delayed our return, but that led to a return Thursday night with a Friday departure for Shabbat. The kids took the bus, leaving about 10 minutes late, and so were late to school. I wanted to iron the boys shirts, but dropped the iron while turning it on. It fell just right on the cord, mostly severing it; causing sparks from the exposed live wires. When I pulled the plug, the cord rebounded, hitting me just below my eye (Thank God not actually hitting my eye). The resultant black eye is wonderfully colorful. Each day brings a new rainbow of hues. By Sunday I was so fried I forgot to get Jesse to the bus for the bar mitzvah party he was attending. As soon as I realized we all bundled into the car and off we went, but got completely lost, spending over an hour in the car to find the place. Miriam & Michael invited us all in for me to relax. They could see how much I needed it. After the one hour Jesse got to be there for, I was much better for driving home. This week is better, but I need time to get a grip on things. For some I have time, for others- not so much. I am surprisingly busy with meetings and appointments for a person without a job.

A high point of my day yesterday was speaking with Rabbi Joe Brodie. I find his voice and tone soothing. He participated in our wedding and named Jesse, and is a special presence in our lives and our hearts.

It'll settle. There will be good days and bad. For now we're okay. As I fall asleep I think, we're one more day closer to Sean being home again.