In every deployment there are good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. This has been one of those weeks. You may ask, "which weeks, the good or the bad?" I leave it to you to decide.
After almost two months of not sleeping through the night due to illness in the house (and 3 straight weeks with not a single night of unbroken sleep) last week I found myself standing outside Jesse's "room" in the Sick Kids emerg at 12:30 AM with waves of emotion washing over me. I stood there knowing I was simply overwhelmed, but still not being able to control the tears.
Since then the waves of emotion keep coming. There's no good reason. We're all healthy (or will be). Life is really fine. Still, the stories in the news, the Toronto police officer killed last week in the line of duty or the victims shot alongside Representative Gabrielle Giffords, and the tears just flow. There's no stopping it.
But life is generally good. Shabbat afternoon Keren & I played in the snow. We made maple slushies from the fresh snow and maple syrup. Following Shabbat Keren, Gavi, and I shoveled the driveway. Keren did an amazing job. Gavi did an interesting one. We went skating. We came home and talked with Sean until almost midnight. We slept late on Sunday.
But just as gam zeh ya'avor is for the bad times, it's for the good as well. A good friend has just been told he has an aggressive form of cancer. We're praying for a miracle. Even with the joy and the fun, I am numb. The tears have stopped now.
There's a M.A.S.H. episode that uses the line "emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt." BJ and Hawkeye write it on a toe tag the put on Frank. It's a quote that gets used a lot in our home. It's a wonderfully descriptive line, and fits my current state.
There is a cure though, and I'm employing it. I hug my children more. Hugs and cuddles, kisses, and games. They have magical healing capabilities.
Gam zeh ya'avor, for better or for worse.
